Five Types of Yoga Teachers

5 TYPES OF YOGA TEACHERS BLAH BLAH-MA class reminiscent of the muzak in Walmart: reminds you of one of your favorites but drives you crazy after just a few minutes. “Are we doing down dog again, really?" Cell phones are not permitted-unless they're on vibrate-and just as the first drop of sweat forms on your brow, the fans go on and it's time to "take it easy and take a sip of water." Blah Blah-Ma loves yoga props and you spend half the class trying to get a chunk of foam perfectly positioned under your pelvis. Attendance is almost entirely accidental with classes filled with first-time students who don't know any better. INNER BODY BRIGHT (IBB) says it's not about the pose, quotes Rumi incessantly, and opens every class with a dedication. IBB's generally have at least one blunt body piercing, a tattoo of something sacred, and mala beads dangling from neck, ankles and/or wrists. Most IBB's chant well, smell like incense, and wear designer yoga clothes with the labels removed. You never know exactly what you're getting into in class, but for sure, there will be some heart opening going on. GUANE barks out pose names, wears exclusively sports bras, and her ponytail is so tight it looks painful. Jane says "music in class is fufu nonsense." She screams "relax your body" when you're lying in savasana and drops the occasional f-bomb when students lose their focus. Gl Jane is notorious for dripping sweat on you while adjusting, and she jogs to and from class. She's simultaneously loved and hated; and usually, it's unclear whether you're glad you came to class, or just glad it's over. THE WARRIOR teaches with a voice that matches your breath, sweat starts 10 minutes into class and doesn't stop until you walk out the door. The poses are mostly familiar, but you're trembling on edge most of the time, and there's always a surprise pose or two that knock you on your ass. There may or may not be music-it doesn't matter. The class might be packed or half empty-that doesn't matter either. The Warrior gives you just one or two adjustments, but it feels like he's there the whole time. Your body hurts the next day, in a good way, and classes are addictive. THE DUCHESS uses her voice like a padded whip. Warrior I turns into a side angle pose, into the standing splits, into a seated twist. There's music playing, and even if there isn't, it sounds like there is. The women in the room have never felt more radiant, the men are totally seduced. Pose sequences willow back and forth, up and down. In backbends or savasana, someone usually cries, but the Duchess just carries on without missing a beat. By the end, you wish class were longer. And on the floor, on your back, you promise yourself to return tomorrow. **** Created in the spirit of a good laugh by Lucas Rockwood of Absolute Yoga Teacher Training programs. Please post and share freely. ABSOLUTEYOGA Thailand's Premier Studios for Health & Well Being ONLINE: www.Absolute YogaSamui.com or www.TeachHotYoga.com