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Sexytime: The Musical

sexytime the musical Candles are lit and the champagne is chilled. All you need now is a classy lover and a smooth rhythm to get you going for a long night of sweet emotion. Mood music is the key, but one wrong move can ruin everything. So get to relaxin' and let us suggest some musical ecstasy to keep you on the right track from the Warm-Up to the Cool Down. Its Saxgtime. the WARM-UP Your heart rate and body temp are increasing as you get started; the perfect song should say everything you're thinking so that you don't have to. "Beast of Burden" Rolling Stones LYRICAL JUSTICE: Come on baby make sweet love to me...Am I hard enough? Am I rough enough?. Those lyrics leave nothing to the imagination. Just ignore the Oh little sister part, because that's gross and only legal in one state (Shame on you, Rhode Island.) "Kiss from a Rose" Seal LYRICAL DISASTER: The more I get of you, the stranger it feels... You may have thought that the perfect way to "Seal" the deal was to play this song, but all you'll seal is the mental image of Val Kilmer's grape-like nipples poking through his rubberized Batman costume. the UNDRESS The Undress song should be equal parts sexy and fun. If you've gotten this far, there's a good chance you're going to get lucky, so the song choice must be considered carefully or someone is getting put away wet. "Take Your Time (Do it Right)" S.o.S Band LYRICAL JUSTICE: Let's take some time to be alone, lock the door... Somehow, disco music is surprisingly sexy. Just remember, you are not John Travolta. [Insert massage therapist-groping lawsuit joke here] "U Can't Touch This" MC Hammer LYRICAL DISASTER: You can't touch this... Please...Stop Hammer Time before your inner MC makes an appearance and you end up filing for the sexual equivalent of Chapter 7 bankruptcy. 3 FOREPLAY -n. Mutual sexual stimulation preceding sexual intercourse. Didn't know Dictionary.com got nasty, did you? Well, now you know what foreplay is and can understand why the suggested songs below are going to get you what you want. "Criminal" Fiona Apple LYRICAL JUSTICE: I've been a bad, bad girl... If you're an overachiever, you'll have this music video play- ing in hopes that Ms. Apple's emaciated physique will have you or your partner craving a sausage...IfyaknowwhatImean. "You're Makin' Me High" Toni Braxton LYRICAL JUSTICE: I can imagine you touching my private parts...with just the thought of you, I can't help but touch myself... It works for partner-pleasure AND self-pleasure; two birds, one song. "Dude Looks Like a Lady" Aerosmith LYRICAL DISASTER: That dude looks like a lady... Count on this as an instant mood-killer for any dude. Rule #1: You do NOT want to question gender during foreplay. 4 DURING Now the real fun starts. Make those 15 minutes of fame count (you're lying if you say you need more time than that). "Use Me" Bill Withers LYRICAL JUSTICE: I want to spread the news that if it feels this good getting used, oh you just keep on using me until you use me up... Normally, getting used isn't ideal, but Bill makes it sound like a damn good time. Unless you're "not into that kind of thing," in which case, replace this song with "Lean on Me"...you prude. "Electric Feel" MGMT LYRICAL JUSTICE: Plug it in and change the world, you are my electric girl... Holy sexual innuendo with the plug reference. If you're not feeling electric at this point, you're dead and Necrophilia is a felony. "I Want You" The Beatles LYRICAL JUSTICE: I want you so bad, it's driving me mad... Only if you pretend it's not about Yoko Ono. Need we mention the Two Virgins album cover (AKA Lots-o-Bush 1968)? Eesh. "F**K Her Gently" Tenacious D LYRICAL DISASTER: I'm gonna hump you sweetly, I'm gonna ball you discreetly... Humping sweetly is an oxymoron. That's like a prostitute referring to her occupation as an intimate companionship. See also: High-class working girl; see also: Streetwalker. 5 FINALE "Sex is like a Chinese dinner...it ain't not over 'til you both get your cookies." - If you've followed our musical advice, your cookies are coming in bulk right about now. Pun intended. "Satisfaction" Benny Benassi LYRICAL JUSTICE: Push me and then just touch me, 'til I can get my satisfaction... Not sure if Mick Jagger ever got his, but this song's throbbing bass guarantees success. "In the Arms of an Angel" Sarah McLachlan LYRICAL DISASTER: Oh this glorious sadness that bring me to my knees... Not only is it about heroin, it's the theme song for those depressing SPCA and animal cruelty commercials. Do you really want to be thinking about euthanasia when you're trying to climax? COOL DOWN You're sweaty and out of breath and (hopefully!) thoroughly satisfied. "We are the Champions" Queen LYRICAL JUSTICE: No time for losers 'cause we are the champions of the world... Not only used to ignite the spirit of victory for high school girls' volleyball regional championships, it also perfectly describes the satisfaction of conquering each other's loins. "You Oughta Know" Alanis Morrisette LYRICAL DISASTER: Are you thinking of me when you F**K her? Default militant-ex-gir lfriend-turned-lesbian Lilith Fair road trip anthem, circa 1995...and now you're reminded that it's time to renew that restraining order. Brought to you by: Intensity Sources: http://thegloss.com/sex-and-dating/real-talk-what-are-the-best-songs-for-sex-playlists/ http://www.popeater.com/2009/11/17/sex-songs/ http://www.billboard.com/features/the-50-sexiest-songs-of- all-time-1004066338.story#/features/the-50-sexiest-songs-of-all-time-1004066338.story http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Worst_100 Songs_To_Have_Sex_To http://www.cinemablend.com/music/25-Worst-Songs-To-Come-On-During-Sex-7863.html sexytime the musical Candles are lit and the champagne is chilled. All you need now is a classy lover and a smooth rhythm to get you going for a long night of sweet emotion. Mood music is the key, but one wrong move can ruin everything. So get to relaxin' and let us suggest some musical ecstasy to keep you on the right track from the Warm-Up to the Cool Down. Its Saxgtime. 1 the WARM-UP Your heart rate and body temp are increasing as you get started; the perfect song should say everything you're thinking so that you don't have to. "Beast of Burden" Rolling Stones LYRICAL JUSTICE: Come on baby make sweet love to me...Am I hard enough? Am I rough enough?. Those lyrics leave nothing to the imagination. Just ignore the Oh little sister part, because that's gross and only legal in one state (Shame on you, Rhode Island.) "Kiss from a Rose" Seal LYRICAL DISASTER: The more I get of you, the stranger it feels... You may have thought that the perfect way to "Seal" the deal was to play this song, but all you'll seal is the mental image of Val Kilmer's grape-like nipples poking through his rubberized Batman costume. the UNDRESS The Undress song should be equal parts sexy and fun. If you've gotten this far, there's a good chance you're going to get lucky, so the song choice must be considered carefully or someone is getting put away wet. "Take Your Time (Do it Right)" S.o.S Band LYRICAL JUSTICE: Let's take some time to be alone, lock the door... Somehow, disco music is surprisingly sexy. Just remember, you are not John Travolta. [Insert massage therapist-groping lawsuit joke here] "U Can't Touch This" MC Hammer LYRICAL DISASTER: You can't touch this... Please...Stop Hammer Time before your inner MC makes an appearance and you end up filing for the sexual equivalent of Chapter 7 bankruptcy. 3 FOREPLAY -n. Mutual sexual stimulation preceding sexual intercourse. Didn't know Dictionary.com got nasty, did you? Well, now you know what foreplay is and can understand why the suggested songs below are going to get you what you want. "Criminal" Fiona Apple LYRICAL JUSTICE: I've been a bad, bad girl... If you're an overachiever, you'll have this music video play- ing in hopes that Ms. Apple's emaciated physique will have you or your partner craving a sausage...IfyaknowwhatImean. "You're Makin' Me High" Toni Braxton LYRICAL JUSTICE: I can imagine you touching my private parts...with just the thought of you, I can't help but touch myself... It works for partner-pleasure AND self-pleasure; two birds, one song. "Dude Looks Like a Lady" Aerosmith LYRICAL DISASTER: That dude looks like a lady... Count on this as an instant mood-killer for any dude. Rule #1: You do NOT want to question gender during foreplay. 4 DURING Now the real fun starts. Make those 15 minutes of fame count (you're lying if you say you need more time than that). "Use Me" Bill Withers LYRICAL JUSTICE: I want to spread the news that if it feels this good getting used, oh you just keep on using me until you use me up... Normally, getting used isn't ideal, but Bill makes it sound like a damn good time. Unless you're "not into that kind of thing," in which case, replace this song with "Lean on Me"...you prude. "Electric Feel" MGMT LYRICAL JUSTICE: Plug it in and change the world, you are my electric girl... Holy sexual innuendo with the plug reference. If you're not feeling electric at this point, you're dead and Necrophilia is a felony. "I Want You" The Beatles LYRICAL JUSTICE: I want you so bad, it's driving me mad... Only if you pretend it's not about Yoko Ono. Need we mention the Two Virgins album cover (AKA Lots-o-Bush 1968)? Eesh. "F**K Her Gently" Tenacious D LYRICAL DISASTER: I'm gonna hump you sweetly, I'm gonna ball you discreetly... Humping sweetly is an oxymoron. That's like a prostitute referring to her occupation as an intimate companionship. See also: High-class working girl; see also: Streetwalker. 5 FINALE "Sex is like a Chinese dinner...it ain't not over 'til you both get your cookies." - If you've followed our musical advice, your cookies are coming in bulk right about now. Pun intended. "Satisfaction" Benny Benassi LYRICAL JUSTICE: Push me and then just touch me, 'til I can get my satisfaction... Not sure if Mick Jagger ever got his, but this song's throbbing bass guarantees success. "In the Arms of an Angel" Sarah McLachlan LYRICAL DISASTER: Oh this glorious sadness that bring me to my knees... Not only is it about heroin, it's the theme song for those depressing SPCA and animal cruelty commercials. Do you really want to be thinking about euthanasia when you're trying to climax? COOL DOWN You're sweaty and out of breath and (hopefully!) thoroughly satisfied. "We are the Champions" Queen LYRICAL JUSTICE: No time for losers 'cause we are the champions of the world... Not only used to ignite the spirit of victory for high school girls' volleyball regional championships, it also perfectly describes the satisfaction of conquering each other's loins. "You Oughta Know" Alanis Morrisette LYRICAL DISASTER: Are you thinking of me when you F**K her? Default militant-ex-gir lfriend-turned-lesbian Lilith Fair road trip anthem, circa 1995...and now you're reminded that it's time to renew that restraining order. Brought to you by: Intensity Sources: http://thegloss.com/sex-and-dating/real-talk-what-are-the-best-songs-for-sex-playlists/ http://www.popeater.com/2009/11/17/sex-songs/ http://www.billboard.com/features/the-50-sexiest-songs-of- all-time-1004066338.story#/features/the-50-sexiest-songs-of-all-time-1004066338.story http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Worst_100 Songs_To_Have_Sex_To http://www.cinemablend.com/music/25-Worst-Songs-To-Come-On-During-Sex-7863.html

Sexytime: The Musical

shared by erinscontentlair on Jul 20
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Leads you through the best and worst songs for a playlist if you're trying to get lucky.

Publisher

Intensity Now

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music humor

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Love and Sex
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