How Stress is Killing You

CRACKED.com John Larwood presents HOW STRESS IS KILLING YOU and other distressing facts During a stress response, the heart starts pumping blood much more quickly. For an animal, this helps get oxygen to muscles and the brain, so the animal can properly react to any physical danger- like a hungry lion. FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- Pictured: a proper reaction to physical danger. You, a human, can experience the exact same stress response by simply being late for work, or realizing you forgot about a huge expense report. Jenkins! Ineed your report on my desk by NOON. Stress is frequently preceded by the "oh shit" face. To your body, a stressful job is basically no different than running from a lion for 40 hours a week. RAWWRRR!! Hopefully you drank enough coffee before coming to work. Having a constantly elevated heart rate for long periods of time greatly increases your chance of having a heart attack or stroke...and cardiovascular diseases just happen to be the leading cause of death In the world: The Pie Chart of DEATH O cardiovascular diseases malignant neoplasms chronic respiratory disease pneumonia unintentional injury diabetes other fatal shit How do you like them odds? During a stress response, the body shuts down nonessential processes- such as growth, ovulation and digestion. For a vulnerable animal, this ensures that all available energy is being used for more important things like: a) sprinting for its life or b) laying down a sizable can of whoopass on a predator. © Tom Whetten/Caters Digestion can wait. Bitch. Humans will typically experience this same energy-boosting response, but for prolonged periods of time. As far as your body knows, that entire week you spent drafting your latest project proposal was actually the most epic human vs. bear showdown of all time. "I don't know what's going on right now, but I bet it's fucking awesome." - your body In an effort to provide you with a sustained surge of lifesaving energy, one of the "nonessential" things your body shuts down is your immune system. Over time, this can lead to rather unfavorable consequences: RIP You with functioning immune system. You without functioning immune system. (Though, after a short period of stress- such as when you actually do fight a bear- your immune system will go into overdrive.most likely to prevent infections in all your battle wounds.) If a stressor is sufficiently alarming, an animal will promptly empty the content of its bowels. In about two seconds, this bunny will no longer have problems with constipation. This helps by reducing excess weight- presumably so the animal can run faster. (It is also probably safe to assume that a well-executed bowel movement can subdue a predator, temporarily.) Bombs away! Humans experience this type of stress response in the form of chronic diarrhea or, possibly, Irritable bowel syndrome. Thus, anxiety about an upcoming speech can make your body annoyingly attempt to shit itself on a regular basis: Yes, to your body, an audience of judgmental peers is no different from an audience of hungry crocodiles. .and th-that is why it pays to b-b-be a vegetarian. PETA meat is murder! Basically, stress in your daily life is terrible for you. Occassionally, you just need to take a step back and realize that stress is fucking with your mind. You really need to take some time to relax! RAWWRRR! I recommend yoga. CRACKED.com