If STAR WARS Characters Lived in Our World

IF THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS LIVED IN OUR WORLD... Without The Force, interplanetary light speed travel, and the constant epic battle between good and evil, who would our favorite Star Wars characters have become on little ol' planet Earth? GOOD GUYS? BAD GUYS? LUKE SKYWALKER DARTH VADER After graduating with a C average from Glendale Com- munity College, Luke went to work for his dad's government contracted private 70s soul music will always remember the deep voice, the flowing black robes, and the heavy breathing of the leg- endary singer known t security to business, X-Wing Security. Khown as "the idiot son" by most of the employees, Luke's role was primarily that of an administrative assistant, until he lost his hand in a mysteri- ous workplace that his father stepped down, everyone as "Darth." (Short for "dark hearth," a phrase he used to character- ize his music that often dealt with a rough home life.) Crit- shailed him as a cross between Barry White, Teddy Pendergrass, and Abba, and he won 6 Grammys, including ics accident. After immediately pro- Luke moted to President, and quickly bankrupted the com- pany over a secret multi- million was hits, 3 for his biggest sive. Most Impressive, he "Impres- "Baby, Die,". Why'd You and "Whoa! I'm Not Your Father!" He died in 1977 of Have to Go and dollar pet project, which insiders say centered around lifting small rocks via telekinesis. accidental electrocution while trying to get an English Muffin out of the toaster for his young son. He is survived by his 14 children. HAN SOLO Surviving on money made from selling bootlegged DVDS (and an ample supply of state sanctioned medical marijuana), EMPEROR PALPATINE Head of HR for Plaxico Chemi- cal, the world's leading manu- ,Han facturer of corrosive acids and s on the spends Spends most couch with his dog, days co-producer of "Keeping Up with the Kardasians," Mr. Palpatine is responsible for finding and luring executives with the proper moral ambi- guity who can stomach work- ing with such toxic materials...and acids. Mou Chewie, having deep con- versations about meeting a beautiful princess, cal- Peautirut culating parcecs, and traveling from one end of the galaxy to the other. His motto is "Always Shoot First," but he's not exactly sure why. BOBA FEIT A 3rd police officer, Robert A. Fett quickly distinguished himself as a rising star on the force, but the higher he climbed, the be eration Boston CINNABON PRINCESS LEIA The adopted daughter of well-to-do parents, Leia Organa rebelled against her privileged upbringing, dropped out of college, and moved to San Francisco looser he played with the until eventually he was rules, placed butting his commanding offi- indefinite leave for on to join groups like PETA, Code Pink, and Vegans for Vasecto- putting his cer in the hospital. Fett had been working on bringing down the famed Boston crime lasc. when his Sarlacc, mies. She now spends her days railing against and the evils of corporate America, while working the night shift at Cinnabon to make ends meet. the establishment lord, Whitey cante captain decided to take Fett off the case for undisclosed sons, Fett snapped, beat his rea- nanned captain mercilessly, and thus once promising . In Fett left the force, Whitey Sarlacc, and 3 of his top lieu- tenants, have all been gunned down by person, or persons, ended his career. the 4 i months since "Welcome to Cinnabon, laser- brain. Would you like to contrib- ute to the obesity epidemic with one of our 3,000 calorie treats?" unknown. BEN KENOBI A blue vested Walmart greeter in Albuquerque, New Mexico, "old Ben" stands outside wel- coming customers and dis- pensing his sage wisdom which is really nothing more than pushing his wacky reli- gious beliefs on passersby, and muttering about his days in the war. He is currently "tolerated" by management. "Use the Force...of everyday low prices. Search your feelings...and Aisle 9 for savings on housewares." Sandich Hu JABBA THE HUTT • First seen on the reality show, "The Unmovables," which chronicles morbidly obese people who can no longer get out of bed, Joe Allen Billy Bob Alvarez (Jabba, for short) then went on the extreme weight loss show "Extreme Weight Loss," and eventually became the spokesperson for "The Sandwich Hutt," a national There is No Try YODA chain of fast food restaurants Best-selling author and self-help guru, his latest book, "Do or Do Not. There Is No Try," has been the #1 that specialize in low calorie sandwiches, after losing 600 pounds by building his entire diet off of their menu. He now book in the country for 57 be is in dates a gold bikini model. weeks, and he is in talks netwe with some TV networks to host his own folksy syndi- cated talk show, tentatively titled "Unlearn What You cated Have Learned with Master Yoda." CAPTAIN LENNOX The guy who says "Good, our first catch of the day." Mid-level development execu- tive for Imperial Pictures in CA. Even though LANDO CALRISSIAN Car salesman at the Taanab Hollywood, CA. he's never provided any real value to the company, F stood out from his peers and successfully climbed the ranks over the past five years by always chiming in with well placed, pointless comments, like "There's no "i" in team," "Failure is not an option," or the classic "Time is money." Toyota dealership in Bakers- field, CA, where he recently won the title of Salesman of the Year in a hard fought competition that the staff dubbed "The Battle of Taanab." Holds a weekly poker game with his fellow salesmen where he usually does pretty well. (One time he even won a beat up '67 Ford Falcon that he tinkers with on the weekends.) IT'S A FRAP! GRAND MOFF TARKIN Employed as a middle school principal, Mr. Tarkin discipline through force is what's missing in today's edu- cational system. Nicknamed "Hammer" by Principal Tarkin is currently on a mission to discover the iden- tities of the rebels who flushed believes ADMIRAL AKBAR After immigrating to America in the late 80s following an illustrious career in the Indian his students, navy, Rear Admiral Akbar opened up a little coffee shop in Seattle called "It's a Frap!" The rise of Starbucks (and the fact that Akbar would annoy- ingly yell out "It's a frap!" for each order, no matter what it was) soon drove Akbar out of business. He was never heard a cherry bomb down the toilet in the 3rd floor boy's bathroom. "The regional hall monitors will now have direct control over their territories...and that includes the lunch room, and the lavatories by the gym!" from again. JAR JAR BINKS Ruthlessly beaten to death by a group of rabid sci-fi nerds. No one came to the funeral, and no charges were ever filed. 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