The Founder's Dictionary

THE FOUNDER'S DICTIONARY: BUZZWORDS EVERY ENTREPRENEUR SHOULD KNOW Spend some time in Silicon Valley and your ears will no doubt experience an endless barrage of startup-related buzzwords. Words like "pivot," "hyperlocal," and "MVP" are all used in the business vernacular, but truth be told most people don't know what they actually mean. With that in mind, we picked the brains of some of "The Valley's" finest founders and big players to provide you with the real definitions of these mysterious words. We think you will be surprised to learn that the true meanings of these terms are a far departure from what you were expecting. We think we got them right - or at least we hope we did! A/B TEST ANGEL noun. A method in which a company founder noun. The spirits of deceased founders and CEOS uses an office-wide spelling bee to determine which employee gets first pick of beer on Fridays. who are believed to dwell in or around the office water cooler. BRANDING BANDWIDTH noun. The secret and painful rite of passage ceremony that entrepreneurs must endure in order to receive their first round of VC funding. noun, One's ability, or lack thereof, to do anything. BOOST PRODUCTIVITY CROWDSOURCE verb. When a CEO is able to keep the company's programmers working through the night until using only donuts and ginseng energy drinks. verb. When a founder has employees make executive level decisions by playing games of chance, usually with a 20-sided die. DRILL DOWN OKEEP ZUCK FIRE ZUCK noun. Originally referring to Sarah Palin's failed tech blog, www.drilldown.ak, it soon became a term for any politician who attempts to start a blog about something he or she is completely unqualified to talk about. After realizing that politicians knew very little about anything, it now refers to any blog started by a politician. EARLY ADOPTER FREEMIUM noun. Individuals who lose friends because they incessantly boast on multiple social media streams about how they were one of the first people to discover or use a product. noun. A product model unsuccessfully implemented by McDonald's in 1983, whereby restaurants would give away a low-quality cheeseburger in hopes that it would encourage customers to one day purchase a high-quality cheeseburger. (It was the same cheeseburger.) HOLY GRAIL HYPERLOCAL noun. Referring to the mythical company that will one day be able do at least one thing better than Apple. noun. A person who, while verbally bashing a product in public, is overheard by the founder of the company that created said product. INFLUENCER ITERATION noun. Someone on Twitter who gains so many followers they spontaneously combust. noun. A new product that's actually the same as a previous product made by the same company, but is introduced with a number after its name. BOOM! 5,020,034 FOLLOWERS LEAN adjective. A cheap way to run a business whereby all employees are directed to not only skip lunch, but also donate their lunch money to the "greater good" of the company. LOOP ACME ACME2.1 MARKET FIT noun. The designated path CEOS follow around the office to verify workers are being productive, and publicly humiliate those who are not. LOW-HANGING FRUIT noun. A measurement, generally scored between 1 and 50, of how well a CEO "vibes" with his or noun. A popular prank played on male founders after their companies go public whereby the employees flagpole to half-mast; this represents the death of their laid-back startup culture. her team. his briefs and raises them on a MISSION STATEMENT MONETIZATION noun. A brainwashing exercise whereby a company's executives are able to under-pay their employees by using propaganda to convince them they are actually changing the world with the company's product or service. noun. The method used by a company to miraculously turn a seemingly useless product into a cash cow. MOCK VORTEX PRINCIPLE (ABBR. MVP) NETWORKING noun. A theory developed by Industrial Revolution manufacturing tycoons, which posits that a business that fails to make its product profitable within g0 days of release should scrap it and start producing whiskey, cigarettes, or shoes instead. ONBOARD verb. The act of referring to an industry person as a "creeper" because they were overly enthusiastic to give you their business card. noun. The tool (usually a wooden baton), used to get an employee to do the job he/she was hired to do. PARADIGM SHIFT noun. When a founder realizes he or she has been wrong this whole time. PIPELINE noun. The device that supplies the endless supply of beer used to keep employees happy. PIVOT SILO noun. The realization that your Dog and Pony noun. The highly secretive location in Greenland where many "deceased" founders and entrepreneurs are believed to be cryogenically frozen. beer show may be more appealing to a crowd of cats. SPLASH PAGE noun. Any website dedicated to the sale of pool-cleaning supplies. SOCIAL PROOF Clean YourPool.com noun. The particular number of friends, plus or STEALTH minus 50, that allows a Facebook user to maintain a respectable level of self-esteem. noun. Another name for a founder who can leave the office, go for a run, take a shower, and return undiscovered at least 50 percent of the time. TRACTION noun. The belief that if aliens looked down on the earth they would think that humans reproduced via mobile devices. NO LINDSAY LOHAN THOUGHT LEADERSHIP 23RD FLOOR noun. When a founder, while training his or her employees, uses Lindsay Lohan as an example of what not to do. VALUE PROPOSITION USER EXPERIENCE noun. The probability of any non-programmer employee beating a programmer at Mario Kart 64. noun. When two founders from rival companies marry not for love, but for the mutual economic and industrial benefit of their companies. The agreement is often arranged by those who helped fund the companies. VIRALITY noun. A blog's ability to make readers willingly or unwillingly put themselves in harms way by attempting stupid maneuvers like standing on top of a car they are driving, perching on the outside of a high-rise building, or lying flat as a board in the middle of a street. WHEELHOUSE noun. The miserable line that forms when every employee mysteriously has to use the office's only restroom at the exact same time. udemy E::