23 Sex Tips That Definitely Won't Work

23 SEX TIPS That Definitely Won't Work Don't Let Tabloids and Fluff Magazines Ruin Your Sex Life 1 Stick a Doughnut on His Ding -Dong From: Cosmopolitan The wise sages of sex at Cosmo recommend hanging a doughnut on his penis as if it were a hat rack. Then, one partner is supposed to "slowly nibble around it, stopping to suck him once in a while." But what if he hasn't shaved? No one likes a hairy doughnut. Plus, the doughnut will cover his dick in sticky sugar, which sounds sexy, but have you ever heard of a yeast infection? 2. Turn Off the Lights and Break Out the Ice Cream From: Cosmopolitan Yeah, you've heard about all of those "sexy" whipped creams, edible panties, and other stuff. But those were specifically made with sex in mind. Ben and Jerry never expected you to sloppily feed each other Americone Dream at one in the morning. You'll ruin your sheets, you'll feel like a gross, sticky mess, and once again, you'll have a sad penis covered in sugar. BEN&JERRY'S 3 Slap, Pinch, and Bite His Penis From: Cosmopolitan There's nothing wrong with being a little rough. But, uh, pro tip: If you're trying to bite, pinch, slap, or punch any part of your partner's body in earnest, you're probably not turning them on. 4. Grab His Dick and Push it Back Into His Body From: Cosmopolitan For another rough maneuver "imagine you're pushing his penis into his body," while firmly grasping the base of his shaft. Like you're Daffy Duck in a Looney Tunes cartoon trying to push the djinn back into its lamp. Or imagine pushing each of your fingers back into your hand. Very sensual! SEX FACT Every year, at least 200 men in America and 40 men in the UK break their erect penises during "violent sex." When they break, they even make a loud "SNAP!" like a branch being broken off of tree. So remember that the next time that your partner says "Let's try this thing I read in Cosmo!" 5 Tickle His Feet 5. With Your Nipples From: Cosmopolitan Or, you know, don't. Counter-suggestion: Arrange your nipples so that they are near your partner's hands instead. 6, 6 Give Butterfly Kisses to Her Breasts From: Cosmopolitan Specifically, give butterfly kisses to the undersides of her breasts, which, like on a turtle, are the most vulnerable and sensitive part... apparently. When you're done, you can sheepishly hide there, also like a turtle, while she asks you, "What the hell was that?" 7. 7 Dip Your Breasts or Your Penis in Edible Body • Paint and Sponge-Paint Your Partner's Body From: Cosmopolitan This just sounds awkward for everyone involved. Either you're lying there like a log while your partner slaps their bits all over you, or you're developing some serious lower back pain trying to stipple the Mona Lisa onto your lover's abdomen. No thanks. Do "The Face-Hugger" From: Men's Health "Facial intercourse," if you haven't heard of it, involves you and your partner simulating sex with your mouths. Dart your tongue in and out of their mouth, rub it all up in there, and make it a real slobber fest. If you don't suck out your partner's soul or implant the seed of a demon hell-beast into their stomach, you're doing it wrong. SEX FACT Ladybits and dudeholes are sensitive ecosystems, filled with a vibrant and delicate community of friendly bacteria. Movies, TV shows, and books like to joke sometimes about the craaaazy sex that people can get up to. But if you're not careful about what stuff you stick where, you or your partner could end up with a serious infection or worse. Do your research! 9. Throw Pepper In Their Face Just Before Climax From: Cosmopolitan Since sneezing feels like an orgasm sometimes, if you sneeze and orgasm at the same time, you'll get a double whammy. Right?! 10 Wrap Her Up Like a Burrito and Roll Her Around 10. From: Men's Health Create a "bedroom burrito" by wrapping your partner up in the sheets so that they can't move their arms. If you're five years old, then it'll be a blast! 11 Stick a Fork in 'Em, They're Done From: Cosmopolitan When you're in the bedroom, take a fork and gently jab your partner in the butt, the thighs, or the chest. If they say "Ouch!" that just means you need to poke them harder. Train Your Partner 12, Like a Cat 12. From: Cosmopolitan Keep a spray bottle of ice cold water on your nightstand. Whenever you feel like things are slowing down, give your partner a spritz right in the nipples, face, or groin. That'll get 'em excited! SEX FACT Over the course of a lifetime, your average driver will have sex in their car about six times. But remember, while you and your partner are turned on, your car should be turned off! 13 Looking For a Cheap Sex Toy? Break Qut the iPhones and Electric Toothbrushes! From: Cosmopolitan If it vibrates, it can get you off! Don't think too hard about what it will be like to call Mom with the same phone you rubbed all over your partner's body last night. Lick Their Palms in 14, Public to Signal Desire From: Men's Health You know how kissing the back of someone's hand is kind of cute and gentlemanly? This tip is just like that, but also super gross. Thanks, Men's Health! 15 Yank On Their Earlobes From: Cosmopolitan Nothing bad can possibly come of pulling hard on a sensitive area while in the wild throes of passion. Nope, nothing. 16 Bottle Your Sweat and Use it Like Cologne From: Men's Health For men, a good workout produces sweat with androstadienone in it. According to people who spend too much time writing scientific papers about sex and not enough time having sex, that's the "woo-hoo" chemical for ladies. So bottle that sweat and spray a little on yourself before each date, fellas! Sweat SEX FACT The vagina weightlifting record was set in 2009, when a woman lifted more than 30 pounds! She tied a weight to a wooden egg, which she grasped with her vagina, to accomplish the feat. Moral of the story: Never forget Kegel day. Giye Your Partner 17, "Love Homework" From: Essence Once you're done having sex, give your partner an essay assignment for next class: "Top 10 Places I Wanna Kiss You," or maybe "Best 5 Things You Said During Sex." This is the perfect chance for your partner to prove that their English degree has any real-world value. Use Your Big Toe on 18. Her Clitoris From: Cosmopolitan Not only do you probably have less dexterity with your feet, but you've probably also got less muscle control! You'll be kicking her poor clitoris around like a football – don't do this! 19 The Infamous Beer Facial From: Cosmopolitan Yes, Cosmopolitan once had the audacity to suggest that giving your man (or woman) a beer facial would be totally sexy. It gets worse, though - the facial doesn't just involve beer. You have to mix it with egg whites and other nasty stuff too. Sexy! 20 Forget the Bedroom – Use a Taxi! From: Essence Go ahead and bone in the back seat while some poor schlub is trapped listening and watching in rush-hour traffic. Slip your driver an extra $5; they won't mind! TAXI 21 DIY Nipple Clamps 21. From: Cosmopolitan Dig through your junk drawer for any old thing and clamp it on! SEX FACT Some women develop "human seminal plasma protein hypersensitivity," or an allergy to certain proteins found in semen. Sometimes, this only means irritation and itching, but other times, it can be life-threatening. Oddly, women with this allergy can be allergic to some men but not others. 22 Give Them a Hair Job From: Cosmopolitan Rub your long, luscious locks all over their body. Whip your hair up, down, back, and forth like some kind of weird horse. You'll have him (or her) whinnying in pleasure! 25. 23 Oral Sex Over Their Underwear From: Cosmopolitan Skin to skin contact is for losers. La Mort D'Amour Since the 19th century, an orgasm has been called "la petite mort," or "the little death." But for some famous folks, sex has been "the big death," too. "Dying in the saddle" is a real risk that accounts for 0.6% of all sudden deaths. Here are a few famous cases. 4. In 1997, a couple was having sex on a balcony in Los Angeles when the woman fell to her death. 1. Pope John XII (964 AD): The pope either suffered a stroke or was thrown out of a window while having an affair with a married woman. Lots of magazines and websites will advise that you should "spice up your love life with a little danger!" It doesn't take much to make sex dangerous. Throughout history, four popes have died during sex. Attila the Hun - yes, that Attila – is rumored to have A. Felix Faure, former president of France, died of a cerebral hemorrhage in 1899. It's rumored that died from a punch to the face during sex. The lady who delivered the punch broke his nose, and he bled to death. he had the hemorrhage while receiving oral sex from his mistress. The horrifying thing is that she was so terrified when he died that she got lockjaw on the spot and had to be surgically Remember what we said about punching, biting, and scratching? Easy does it. removed from his crotch. 5. • Uroko Onoja, a man in Nigeria, had six wives. Awesome, right? Well, not for him: In 2012, five of them supposedly held him at knife-point and demanded that he have sex with all of them. They were supposedly jealous of the attention Onoja had been giving to the youngest wife. He made it four rounds before dropping dead of exhaustion. SOURCES: www.buzzfeed.com | www.alternet.org www.en.wikipedia.org | www.complex.com www.ranker.com www.nerve.com www.salon.com www.medicaldaily.com www.jezebel.com www.facts.randomhistory.com MOSAIC HAIR TRANSPLANT ( 二 (