SANTA: FACT OR FICTION: AN INVESTIGATION

FIELD NOTES FROM THE CONTINUING INVESTIGATION STREET ALIASES: OLD SAINT NICHOLAS, KRIS KRINGLE, THE KING OF THE JING-A-LING, ELF-MEISTER, BIG RED PIERRE, OLD FAT CHRISTMAS DUDE, POLE-DADDY, MR. JINGLE-PANTS, PRESIDENT OF KRIS-KO, INC., ELF TRADER INTO THE EXISTENCE OF SANTA CLAUS AN INVESTIGATIVE REPORT FILED BY NEWHOUSE DESIGN REPORT: AN ECCENTRIC PHILANTHROPIST GOES ON A HEDONISTIC GIFT-GIVING SPREE ONCE A YEAR. REPEATED UNSUPERVISED VISITS TO HOMES OF IMPRESSIONABLE CHILDREN. EARLY INVESTIGATION REVEALS SOME SORT OF SECRET SUPPORT NETWORK... PARENTS & RETAIL OUTLETS MAY BE IMPLICATED. O THIS MUCH IS KNOWN. RESIDENCE: PREFERENCES: СОOKIE 75.5 Presumed NORTH POLE, but actually Napapiiri, near Rovaniemi, Finland 10% UNSPECIFIED PRESUMED 31 194 650 HOURS COUNTRIES MILLION MILES PER PFEFFERNUSSE 5% MACADAMIA TIME ALLOWED, CONSIDERING INCLUDING SOME MILES SECOND OR 3,000 TIMES THE SPEED OF SOUND Land mass: 10' thick ice. REALLY TINY ONES NOT ROUND TRIP 5% PEANUT BUTTER Weather: Each year has only 2 days, each lasting 6 months, cloaking the icy pole in abysmal darkness or blinding solar glare. O The most inhospitable EARTH'S ROTATION AND IRONICALLY, BUT ONE WAY VATICAN CITY 45% СНОС. CHIP 10% GINGER SNAP 91.8 353,000 25% OATMEAL 6.6 248 TONS OF CARGO OR FOUR TIMES THE WEIGHT OF THE BILLION MILLION MILLION -94°F AVG TEMP HOMES, NOT COUNTING POLITICIANS AND WORLD POPULATIONS PEOPLE JUST IN 126 calories per 2" slice-and-bake cookie; x91.8M homes; up to 1,236,060,000 calories ( ALL DENOMINATIONS ) THE U.S. ALONE conditions on Earth. BUSINESS CLIENTS QUEEN ELIZABETH II MOTIVE FOR LOCATION: POPULATION ACCOMPANYING THIS WORKS OUT TO ABOUT: SANTA MUST LAND REINDEER PEEP IN WINDOWS TO BEVERAGE 1/1000th OF A SECOND (ESTIMATED) AND SLEIGH ON ROOF, STREET DETERMINE WHO'S Operational secrecy +remote location "MRS. CLAUS" 15% HOT 15% CHOCA EGG NOG SANTA & PER HOUSE, CONDO, APARTMENT & LOFT OR NEAREST PARKING FACILITY SLEEPING OR AWAKE CHECK LIST, DETERMINE IF THERE'S BEEN LOCATE AND NAVIGATE CHIMNEY/DOOR/ PERFORM 10% ROOT BEER 45% MILK WHOLE & NONFAT NAUGHTY/NICE ANALYSIS CHECK LIST EXTERMINATE ANY : low escape rate & less staff pilfering 21,644 ELF SLAVES AGAIN ANY POUTING STIRRING CREATURES ALARM SYSTEM %D 10% COFFEE 5% PEPSI FILL STOCKINGS, ARRANGE PRESENTS (NO ASSEMBLY) 5% WATER EAT OR SEARCH FOR KISS MOMMY HOP IN SLEIGH 245,003 REINDEER FLUSH PRESCRIPTION ONLY IF SHE'S AND TRAVEL Pole outside of any nation's TO NEXT HOUSE SNACKS PAINKILLERS ASLEEP 146 calories whole milk, 86 calories nonfat milk, 343 calories eggnog, per 8 oz. serving; up to 31,487,400,000 calories jurisdiction; non-extraditable* UNSUBSTANTIATED REPORT FROM DR. RYAN COLE, OBSCURE PHYSICIST: "353,000 TONS TRAVELING AT 650 MILES A SECOND CREATE No subjugated elf labor laws YETI FAVORITE SONGS: ENORMOUS RESISTANCE, BASICALLY HEATING THE REINDEER TO INCANDESCENCE – LIKE METEORS ENTERING THE No licensing fees for toy character infringement EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE. THE LEAD REINDEER – THAT'D BE DANCER & PRANCER - WOULD ABSORB 14.3 QUINTILLION HERMEY, AN ELF DENTIST HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS 55% RUDOLPH/RED-NOSED REINDEER.. 25% JOULES OF ENERGY. PER SECOND. EACH. BASICALLY... THAT'S NOT GO0D. THEY WOULD BURST INTO FLAME ALMOST MACARENA / PSYCHO KILLER (TIE) 10% INSTANTANEOUSLY, VAPORIZING THE REINDEER BEHIND THEM WITHIN – JUST GUESSING HERE - 4.26 THOUSANDTHS O Gated community, amenities including sauna and free cable. YUKON CORNELIUS I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT. .5% OF A SECOND. EVEN A BIG GUY LIKE SANTA WOULD BE PINNED TO THE SLEIGH BY 4,315,015 POUNDS OF FORCE. BUT NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS .4% I DON'T THINK HE'D NOTICE.. HE'D BE SO DISORIENTED BY DEAFENING SONIC BOOMS AND CENTRIFUGAL FORCES GENERAL MANAGER I HAVE A LITTLE DREIDEL. 17,500 TIMES THE FORCE OF GRAVITY." O CONCLUSION: "NOPE – CAN'T BE DONE. IT'S PHYSICALLY UN-POSSIBLE." *ONCE SHOT A KID IN RENO JUST TO WATCH HIM DIE 1% IF IT CAN'T BE DONE BY ONE MAN, THEN CLAUS WOULD NEED HELP RUNNING KRIS-KO, HIS SIDE BUSINESS. THEN, HE'D GET VACATIONS AND TIME TO ENJOY THE LITTLE THINGS, LEADING US TO THE PRELIMINARY CONCLUSION THAT SANTA HAS A SECRET SUPPORT NETWORK LIKE PUTTERING AROUND THE HOUSE AND COOKING BABY SEAL ENCHILADAS. AN INVESTIGATIVE REPORT FILED BY FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE ORDER TAKERS MARKET RESEARCH HOW IT'S DONE NEWHOUSE DESIGN KRIS-KO'S ESTIMATED 7.7 PHASE 1: GLOBAL PHASE 2: RESEARCH PHASE 3: T8 TOY SUMMIT (T8) & MARKETING WANT VS. NEED OUTLAY in U.S. Dollars .................. 47,104 To capture the six year market share per child as soon as possible, mass media begins aggressive product placement. With a goal to connect the concepts of "fun" and "shopping" as quickly as possible, some firms have begun targeting six-month-olds. AVERAGE AGE Based on historic information and Once supply chains and operations Video Games $10.5 B desirability metrics, massive toy have been synchronized, orders are released to factories for production. BEFORE JIG'S UP concerns review products which are expensive, colorful and easily outsourced to meet target dates and profitability ratios. Ôngoing vendor presentations and smart franchisee selection set pricing. Infant and Preschool. 3.1 B STUDIES SHOW CHILDREN To assure demand, marketers Dolls 2.7 B "MALL SANTA" WILL NOT DISCLOSE IT TO OTHERS begin building brand loyalty with colorful corporate mascots disguised as educational television. OR SIBLINGS UNTIL THEY START Outdoor and Sports Toys All Other Toys.. 2.7 B OPERATIVES IN GETTING CLOTHES OR THEY BECOME 2.5 B CONTINENTAL U.S. SOCIALLY HUMILIATED ON THE PLAYGROUND. O THIS IS SUSPECTED TO CAUSE LOW ELF ESTEEM ISSUES. Parents seem not to have noticed. Arts and Crafts 2.4 B BASED ON PRELIMINARY Games/Puzzles 2.4 B DATA, KRIS-KO MUST HIRE PHASE 5: ORDER CONFIRMATION E Vehicles 1.8 B THOUSANDS OF FILTHY, PHASE 4: THE SLOW 15 A PHASE 6: BURNING NAG BEGINS y DELIVERY URINE-STAINED HOBOES Action Figures 1.3 B ...................... ......................... PARENT'S ABILITY NATIONAL SUPPORT SYSTEM Children begin acting out when purchase demands are not met. Parents, while initially resistant, give in quickly to keep child calm, since sedating (their previous choice) was outlawed in 1976. WHO SEEK ONLY THE SOLACE November 1st: parents browse retail display centers with child and begin to make production Marketers tweak advertisements Plush 1.3 B OF DEPARTMENT STORES to allow for factory shortages and TO LIE Building Sets Learning/Exploration 0.6 B AND INNOCENT LITTLE distribution channel failures. Parents SWEET SPOT CHRISTIAN CHILDREN TO selections. With real-time order 0.4 B place any last-minute special orders (at an upcharge) during their visit to ... configuration and GPS-based delivery from the factory, final KEEP THEIR LAPS WARM. Mall Santa, who is wired into Kris-Ko Media teaches children to ask and orders can be faxed in as late Corporate and puts the order directly into production. KRIS-KO CORPORATE SPONSORS MOST ASKED QUESTIONS CHILD'S perhaps cry until it begins to work. as midnight December 15. for 2014 /2015 Season GULLIBILITY HOW DO WHO'S I GET ELF SLAVES? BETTER, YOU OR JESUS? Barbie ToYsrus WAL*MART Coors e CNN PHASE 7: PHASE 8: ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL g 回 WHILE KRIS-KO'S CASH FLOW SEEMS TO BE ALL OUTLAY, VENDORS SAY IT'S A COMPLETELY NEW BUSINESS DELIVERY ............. INSTALLATION YEAR FOR KRIS-KO WILL I GET BIRD HEY MISTER, IS THAT A After repeated threats of "Santa won't come unless you shut up" fail to work, parents finally resort to Nyquil "candy" just as TV weathermen present convincing data on sleigh proximity. Once children are asleep, parents drink heavily and arrange gifts, often not even bothering to wrap them. Studies show children go through Thanks to previously ordered gift wrap options ($4.25 each, including Santa message) parents can easily pick up product selections based on their location, or have corporate sponsored delivery before 10 a.m. Packages are considered tree- ready, so parents can warehouse gift inventory in neighbor's garage. FLU AND CANDY CANE a series of gradual changes in their beliefs about Santa's supernatural DIE? MODEL. VENTURE CAPITALISTS BACK IN YOUR РОСКЕТ, OR THE COMPANY TO SEE IT THROUGH WHAT DO abilities over two or three seasons. Nestlē ARE YOU JUST THE LEAN MONTHS, AND HUGE ups * Hallmark YOU MEAN, DON'T TELL MOMMY? This tapering-off allows global toy concerns to discontinue the "Santa Model" and encourage parents to GLAD TO ONLINE DATABASES OF PERSONAL SEE ME? INFORMATION - COLLECTED DURING NIGHTLY VISITS – ARE RESOLD TO FedEx Kinko's OVERALL MALL SANTA PERCEPTION move into the "Allowance Model," also quite beneficial for the industry. MARKETING FIRMS WORLD-WIDE. DANIEL'S CAMEL "THOSE ANTI-SANTAS SHOULD COME CUDDLY SNUGGLY SCARY SQUISHY MOIST JACK AROUND," SAID AN UNNAMED ELF TIME SUMMARY: Neither scenario offers clear-cut evidence. Even with additional research, it appears that this will never be solved. Perhaps the cover-up is deeper, or is just a simple fantasy perpetuated by family and fueled by industry. While Santa has a marked side effect – anticipointment – children and parents alike seem to enjoy it year after year. OLD SOURCE. "THERE'S PLENTY FOR Old No.Z EVERYBODY. WE'RE 'LAUGHING ALL amazon.com BRAND THE WAY'.TO THE BANK." INFOGRAPHIC BY NEWHOUSEDESIGN.COM