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Job Market of The Apes

JOB M ARKET OF THE APES Recent college graduates entering the job market in a weak economy are An increasing number of apes and monkeys are being trained to do human tasks. faced with dwin- dling prospects. The Result Inter-species competition for jobs. °n° VS 17% + 537. -10% 2008-2009 2006-2010 2006-2010 Increase in number of recent college grads working in restaurants or bars. Americans who Decline in starting graduated from college salaries for recent between 2006 and 2010 college graduates. and have full-time jobs. FINDING A JOB TAKES AWHILE. College grads assuming a job is waiting for them in the working world are in for a rude awakening. How long does it take recent college grads to find a job? 50% 18% MA AUG MAY SEPT JUNE Within 2 months of After 2-6 months. OCT graduation. 12%. 40% 6+ months. College grads that were able to find work but say their college degree has no relevance to the job. RECENT AND SOON TO BE COLLEGE GRADS: Know who you're up against, know what you're up against. The competition has never been fiercer. Pathways for Processing Language Human Chimpanzee Macaque One of the major differences between humans and other primates is the degree to which their brains are wired for language, a key factor in being able to perform a job well. Humans must exploit this wiring in their brains to full effect if they want to hold onto their dwindling jobs. COULD A WELL-TRAINED MONKEY DO YOUR JOB? Perhaps the better question: could you do your job as well as a monkey? Restaurant Server Farm LLaborer Don't be surprised when Olive Garden implements an army of mon- keys to bring you more breadsticks. Yatchan and Fukuchan, two macaque monkeys, bring hot towels and drinks to customers at a Japanese restau- rant. They are given soya beans as tips. Monkeys were valuable laborers to the ancient Egyptians, who used them to harvest figs. And maybe, just maybe.monkeys built the pyramids? No. That definitely did not happen. Day Trader In-Hom e Caregiver What happens when you let a chimp loose in a Wall Street bullpen? Gold watches and dismembered arms ev- erywhere. What happens if you give a chimp 1 million rubles and let them pick random stocks? They outperform 94% of Russia's stockbrokers. Lusha, a female chimp with a day job riding a scooter at the Moscow circus, grew her portfolio almost 300%. Like service dogs for the blind, many disabled people have helper monkeys that can perform tasks like opening doors and loading DVDS. It's not easy for helper mon- keys to rise to the big leagues, though-a young capuchin must first attend about 2 years of "col- lege." We can only imagine the hor- rific hazing involved in joining a fraternity at helper monkey college. Beautician Street Thief If you're too cheap to go down to the strip mall and pay that nice lady from some country you've never heard of $10 to get a pedicure, you have a more low-rent option: mandrills. Mandrills have been observed Guess who loves fruit+liquor more than the gals on Sex and the City? Macaques in urban India, who have been observed commando-raiding fruit stands and shops Aladdin- style. making tools out of twigs to clean out dirt from underneath their nails. Engineer College Student BROS BEFORE HOS Capuchin monkeys in Boa Vista, Brazil, have been observed creating tools. The capuchins' tools of choice are rocks to crack open nuts with, but they choose them selectively: the monkeys pick stones that are best suited for nut-cracking, passing over stones that are ill-suited shapes or materials. The hot new status symbol for upper-middle-class homes next year: patio stones hand-selected by Brazilian capuchin monkeys Researchers have found that chimps beat the average college student at computer-based memory games-by human stan- dards, in fact, chimps have a photo- graphic memory. The lesson here: if you borrow $20 from a chimp, they are not going to forget about it and they are probably already looking for you. The Oldest Job In The World It's often said that money changes people, but that's a little species-centric: it also changes capuchin monkeys. Researches introduced the concept of money into a troop of capuchin mon- keys, giving each monkey 12 coins with which they could buy grapes, apples and Jell-O. A few clever females quickly figured out that sex could be traded for extra coins, which could then be turned into more food. Created By: ONLINESCHOOLS.ORG/STUDY-BREAK References: do-you-beat-94-percent-of-mutual-funds-join-the-circus/1184/ DY NO ND This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License. ......

Job Market of The Apes

shared by rmmojado on Jan 24
The job market is terrible, and the situation isn’t getting any better. While there is a high demand for STEM studies, our jobs are also being taken over by… apes? Lets take a tongue-in-cheek look...


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