A Comprehensive Guide to Thanksgiving

A COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE TO YOUR Thanksgiving TYPES OF THANKSGIVING EATERS THE HOARDER THE DIETER THE DESSERTER LAST PLACE • Both turkey legs • 2 Ibs of potatoes •1 qt of gravy • Slice of Turkey • Potatoes (No Gravy) • 10 String Beans • Slice of Pumpkin Pie • Slice of Apple Pie • Vanilla Ice Cream • Leftover Halloween Candy • Cranberry Sauce • Aunt Nancy's Green Bean Casserole TURKEY COMPOSITION Standard Turkey Fried Turkey Tofurkey I 70% White Meat 40% White Meat I20% Saw Dust I 30% Dark Meat I 10% Dark Meat 20% Newspaper I 50% Chance of a Grease Fire I 100% Chance You'll be Spending Next Thanksgiving Alone THEY ARE THANKFUL FOR... Mom Dad Uncle Aunt My beautiful family Whatever your The open minded Tomorrow's sales mother said state parole board Grandma Grandpa Cousin Is this a post office? Turkey & Indians or something Lipitor THANKSGIVING TELEVISION CONSUMPTION 64% 17% 8% 6% 5% 64% American Football Key Demographic: Dads, Uncles, Grandfathers, & Daughters Desperately Seeking their Father's Love 17% Thanksgiving Day Parade Key Demographic: Fans of parades, IE Grandmothers 8% Charlie Brown Thanksgiving Key Demographic: Small Children & Nostalgic and/or Stoned 20-Somethings I 6% "Black Friday" Commercials Key Demographic: Stay-at-Home Moms, The Financially Downtrodden, & Riot Enthusiasts 5% Hillbilly Handfishing Marathon Key Demographic: Weird Uncles, & Even Weirder Aunts POST MEAL ACTIVITIES 50% Young Adults 1 50% Sneaking outside to get high I 50% Pretending that they're not high 50% Dad I 50% Looking for the goddamn Xmas decorations I 30% Pretending to be busy to avoid the dishes I 20% Watching football at full volume to drown out his loved ones 50% 20% 30% Mom 1 85% Cleaning up after her ungreatful family I10% Sneaking a cigarette in garage 5% Screaming at your dad about the lack of Xmas Decorations 85% 10% Elders 1 65% Sleeping 1 25% Complaining about whatever is in front of them I 10% Numbing their joint pain with straight alcohol 65% 25% 10% TAUNTR.COM