The 10 Most Disgusting Things About Being a Mum...

piewww! TOP 10 MOST DISGUSTING THINGS ABOUT BECOMING A MUM. about this is what they should warn you before you get pregnant.. THE GROSS-0-METR THE TOE JAM ONE Pong STARTING OFF GENTLY. SURE ADULTS SUFFER FROM IT TO0, BUT KIDS SEEM TO BE A BIT MORE OBSESSED WITH PICKING THEIR TOES. IT SMELLS, EVEN ON BABIES. NOT NICE. hahal you have to Elean My ears! EARCHEESE WHERE DOES THAT SLIGHTLY CRUSTY, SLIGHTLY STINKY GUNK COME FROMP? WHAT PURPOSE DOES IT SERVE? WHY DOES SHAMPOOING NOT REMOVE IT WITHOUT SPECIAL ATTENTION? THESE AND OTHER QUESTIONS REMAIN UNANSWERED. TWO FOUR RUNAWAY TOILET PAPER NITS! LITTLE CRITTERS LIVING ON YOUR HEAD. YUCK. CUE A TRIP TO BOOTS FOR A GIANT FINDING LITTLE BITS OF TOILET PAPER IN YOUR BITS IS PRETTY GROSS, MUCH MORE HYGIENIC (AND ECOFRIENDLY) TO USE CLOTH WIPES - YES YOU HAVE TO BUNG THE USED BOTTLE OF CONDITIONER, TEATREE OIL AND A NIT COMB, THERE IS SOMETHING VAGUELY SATISFYING ABOUT COMBING THE LITTLE BUGGERS OUT THOUGH. WIPES IN A BOX, THEN WASH THEM EVERY FEW DAYS BUT IT'S NO HASSLE (REALLYI) Surprisel THREE ETVE LOCHIA & PERIODS FIVE LOCHIA SUCKS. PERIODS SUCK. A SIDE EFFECT OF DELIVERING YOUR GORGEOUS BABY IS THAT YOU'LL BLEED LIKE A STUCK PIG FOR UP TO 6 WEEKS AFTERWARDS. GIVEN THAT WE DO HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT THOUGH, WHY DOES ANYONE CHOOSE TO USE DISPOSABLE SANITARY PADS TO DEAL WITH THEM? THEY'RE APT TO BE BULKY, SWEATY AND LIABLE TO GIVE YOU AN INADVERTENT BIKINI WAX IF YOU STRETCH TOO FAR FOR YOUR MORNING COFFEE. When wil this end? MUCH BETTER TO SWITCH TO SUPERSOFT, CLOTH SANITARY PADS. MODERN ONES EVEN HAVE WINGS TO KEEP THEM IN PLACE. EASY TO USE, COMFY AND YOU'LL BE SAVING THE PLANET TOO. FILING VERUCCAS Maeny e look! MINGING, JUST MINGING. ONCE YOU'VE TRIED ALL THE USUAL TREATMENTS (DUCT TAPE, TEATREE OIL, SALACTOL) IT'S TIME FOR CAUSTIC SILVER NITRATE. IT TURNS THE OFFENDING WART BLACK, BUT HAS TO BE FILED WITH A NAIL FILE. SIX IF I'D KNOWN THAT FILING WARTS CAME AS PART OF THE PARENT JOB DESCRIPTION, I MIGHT NOT HAVE APPLIED. BOGEYS SEVEN 0ooh httle gyeen VROnsfers! UNTIL YOU HAVE CHILDREN YOU DON'T APPRECIATE THAT CHILDREN ARE LITERALLY SNOT MACHINES. THEY CAN SNEEZE AND SHOOT STRINGS OF THICK, ROPY GREEN SNOT DIRECTLY FROM THEIR NOSE , DOWN THE LENGTH OF THEIR CHIN. GET USED TO IT.UNTIL THEIR IMMUNE SYSTEMS LEARN TO DEAL WITH THE COMMON COLD, THEY WILL APPEAR TO BE SNOTTY FOR AT LEAST 10 MONTHS OF THE YEAR. AND DON'T EVEN START WITH THE NASAL ASPIRATOR (FONDLY KNOWN AS THE SNOT SUCKER IN OUR HOUSE). DOUBLE MINGING. PUKE! BEING VOMITED UPON IS ANOTHER PARENT REQUIREMENT THAT DOESN'T GET A HUGE WRITE UP IN THE JOB SPEC. IT STARTS WITH MILK SPIT UP. YOU GET USED TO LEAVING THE HOUSE WITH A TRAIL OF SPIT UP RUNNING DOWN YOUR BACK / SHOULDER I ARM AND SMELLING VAGUELY OF SOUR MILK. I KNOW OF EIGHT LEAST ONE PARENT WHO HAS RAISED THEIR BABY ABOVE THEM, SMILING AND LAUGHING. UNTIL BABY PUKES INTO THEIR OPEN MOUTH. YEP. THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. BUT THAT IS NOTHING UNTIL THEIR FIRST PROPER VOMIT WITH ACTUAL FOOD, WHEN YOU REALISE THAT CHILDREN CAN PROJECTILE VOMIT LIKE SOMETHING FROM THE EXORCIST. COMPLETE WITH HEAD SPINNING, REVOLTING SMELL AND THE ABILITY TO KILL SHAG PILE RUGS FOREVER. NINE POOP! BABIES CAN POO FOR ENGLAND. EVERY PARENT CAN SHARE PO0 STORIES. FROM GETTING ONTO A FLIGHT WITH6 WEEK OLD BABY AND SITTING DOWN BESIDE A HATS THAT SMEL? BUSINESS MAN WHO LOOKED UP WITH HORROR, ONLY TO FIND THAT POO WAS DRIPPING OUT THE BOTTOM OF THE BABY CARRIER AND DOWN MY FRONT. TO THE BABY WHO DRIPPED DIARRHOEA THE FRONT OF THEIR MUM'S WEDDING GUEST OUTFIT. WHO HAD NO SPARE OUTFIT (OBVIOUSLY). TEN PROJECTILE POOPING PPFFRTT THIS DESERVES A SPECIAL CATEGORY ALL OF IT'S OWN, EVERY ONE OF MY CHILDREN HAS HAD THIS DUBIOUS SKILL. USUALLY TIMED TO COINCIDE WITH AN OVERNIGHT FEED, WITH MY BOOBS OUT. I'D GENTLY REMOVE A STINKY NAPPY, ONLY TO HAVE THEM TILT THEIR CUTE LITTLE BUM, AIM WITH DEADLY ACCURACY AND FIRE. CUE KABOOM SPLURRTI DRIPPING BREASTFED BABY PO0, DRIPPING OFF BREASTFEEDING BREASTS. TELL US STORIES COME AND SHARE YOUR MOST DISGUSTING BABY STORIES WE LOVE A LAUGH! @ cheekywipes facebook/cheekijwipes brought to you by www.cheekjwipes. com CHEE WIPES DESIGN BY WWW.JESSICADRAWS.COM